I have reflected more on this [the feeling of futility of my own contributions here on Facebook, I posted about yesterday], somehow it just pops into my mind. I suppose yes I really really do enjoy to be told by others that value is seen in my contributions, but what I really meant in the opening post, is that I have those moments when the entire thing of allowing these writings to come through me onto facebook has no value to me, — regardless of any value to others. It just feels that way. And yes, futility is the word that describes it… even if folk are getting value it is still futile… that’s an extreme edge of me.. and it just visits me periodically now, whereas at times in my life it was fully resident 24/7 for extended periods. So that’s one thing. Another thing is it is really satisfying to just allow the futility to take over and just go with that for a bit…. more accurately… not resist it…. despite the horrid feelings that accompany it…. and then… well… i dont know why or how it ALWAYS goes away after some relatively short time and what is left is usually a sense of peaceful empty creative potential. Hard to explain that bit. And then, for a bit nothing happens with that… just hmmmm.. I call it my monk space…. sitting… peace… not needing what futility was telling me is needed…. deep meditation… being present in the moment as it is… and then… at some time after that… often when i do a few practical things like put the dishes away or cut some blackberry strands from the garden, or progress some work for one of my I.T. clients…there is an arising… by itself, unsumonsed, of ‘material’, for my fingers to deliver into FB.. and there is a freedom in me to say yes and start typeing or to say no not yet…. and when i say yes and type the sentence or two that ‘has been delivered into my mind’ other things just are pulled along into it and before I know it I’ve written more than a normal number of status updates… and at that point sometimes, not always, continue the writings in my local evernote for later processing into one of the books that are forming there but hey… i am an old man and may never get around to finishing them, and they will most likely disappear into the ether with me… and who know? maybe we DO take it all with us, and I will find myself in a new situation with my eternal soulmate Kim and mmmm … the books will continue to be in process on the new earth.. aha. But i dont count on that. Anyway… I hope this modelling of how self reflection goes is valuable to somebody today as an opportunity to emulate or stimulate, ones own delivery of similar…. probably i could ave capitilised in a traditional way, and dome some paragraphing, but sometimes i like to do it the way that will be normal in the post smart phone era. got to stop and drink my coffee. thank you for reading… even if you didn’t..
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