There are strong beliefs around about, about manifestation thinking. We create our own reality, driven by our thoughts and fears.
I am sitting currently with the belief that it is so, I am somehow manifesting the difficult situation I am in.
I recognise the pervasive layer of fear in me, and it seems to be even underlying thought, it seems the fear is there first before even the thoughts, but I am not sure.
Anyhow, what I do wrestle with is whether I live in “a self-created nightmare”, as a friend put it. And if so, what will it take to wake up.
Or at other times I feel it is not my own manifestation, it is all just random happenstance.
And whatever is the case I am left with dealing with how my mind experiences it all ~now~, and through mindfulness practice calming the mind, bringing it out of fear into peace, and at the very least that will allow me to get through the ~coming horrors~ that my fears convince me will be happening, (the book of revelation written by my namesake in the Bible was a primal influence on my psyche), or perhaps even change reality towards a nice safe future of wellbeing living as an elder with my wife.
I’m left with my own mind whatever the case.
I don’t know what causes all ‘this’. Of course I can see the decisions and events of my past that led up to it, but all those decisions and events could just as readily have led to a very different current reality. It is all just too big and complex (the past) to map the route that led to here. A canvas of complexity so grand that it could have painted anything.
I just don’t know, fully, why or how I came to be in this difficult place, but what I do know, what I experience now, is my state of mind in the now.
I experience the moment (it is very beautiful and very empty and very peaceful) and I experience the overlay of feeling (sometimes difficult feelings), the mind creates around this timeless moment.
I know how to tune the mind, I am far from perfect in that, but I know how to proceed, and as well as that inner work, I see what immediate practical outer steps need taking today to lead towards a good outcome.
So I do all of that.
I don’t know much. Walking in the dark.