John Saward – July 07, 2017 at 02:45PM

I think you know now I have a life long issue with depression and anxiety. I suppose that is the darkness. It certainly does feel very very dark in here at times.

An aspect of darkness is the inability to move. Strictly speaking we can move through darkness but when the dark is overpowering it seems no choice but to stop. In that stopping, in the depth of the darkness a strange power is detected. In the lack of possibility a sitting in it comes about, and that sitting experience is meditation. And in that there is the divine.

I’m working my way through the value of all that. It is absolute clarity in me that the sitting with it has immense value to my soul.

But does it bring my wife back?

Are you following me?

I feel totally abandoned by the world. I wait for the miracle.

People tell me in many different ways, “Snap out of it, help yourself”. And for sure when I am able to, I do just that. I do what I can every day to keep the house in order for my wife to return to, and to create income.

But what I come to, what I realise, is, if the world cannot see itself as I see it, in this darkness infused with light, of what value is my life to the world.

Dark? Yes.

I suppose many of us come to that feeling and ask, “What value is my life to the world?”

Kim and I laugh, and say, we are becoming experts in waiting.

Until we have hit that wall, where nothing seems to work and all we can do is wait, not because we have not yet tried, but because we have, and we have done all we can, we cannot really understand why people are reaching out their hands begging.

I do understand that now. I am a beggar now. I beg to God for relief from the suffering, I beg to the process in place around Kim’s visa application to deliver a good result as soon as possible. I am a beggar in this. I have little power.

That is the darkness I come to embrace. And in that, there is light.

So I do what I can do, even in the total darkness. Which is to write.

And like a busker perhaps, to put out my hat at the end of a piece of writing and say, please donate.

There is a link to our GoFundMe in the first comment. Nobody has donated for quite a long time. We absolutely appreciate the donations received already. Thank you. The need is ongoing.


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